It's Like Montessori School for Fading Punk Rockers!

 

This is Garreth Wilcock, the human oxymoron. Which is to say he's a non-pushy realtor. A wonderful guy. And you should let him help you find a house in Mueller.

Last week Garreth and I went and took a tour of the Wildflower Terrace, a new apartment building going up over next to my FAVORITE ARCHITECTURAL STRUCTURE OF ALL TIME, aka The Eiffel Tower of Austin, aka The Old Air Traffic Control Tower. We even received complimentary hardhats!!

The scoop is that Wildflower Terrace features a bunch of apartments for folks 55+, and the majority of these will be subsidized. So, for example, if you're on a super low, fixed-income, you might score a spot for as little as $360 per month. There is a handful of non-subsidized units that'll run tenants up to $1600 but, hey, by the time I'm 55 even that'll be a steal on the off-chance I hit it big and don't qualify for the subsidy. 

And when will I be 55? In 7 years, 2 months, and 2 days (not to put to fine a point on it). Taking the tour-- seeing how they will have activity rooms and classrooms and a little art studio-- got me thinking. This place is sort of like a mashup between a dorm and a Montessori School. I'm not sure about the former but I know the latter always has a long waiting list-- don't couples buy a slot on Montessori waiting lists the same day they buy prom tickets to ensure that any hypothetical children that actualize down the line will have their pre-K needs covered? 

de facto Resident Assistant of Wildflower Terrace!

Along these lines, I am recommending that Wildflower Terrace start a waiting list so that folks like me can get in when it's time. I already have it all planned out-- I'm going to force my kid to take over my mortgage so he can deal with my quaint, 65 year-old house (it'll be 72 when he gets it). Let him fix the fucking casement windows, I'm done with even fantasizing I will ever be able to afford that-- I can barely make the mortgage. I am also convincing all of my same-aged creaky former punk rock friends that they, too, will be moving into Wildflower and that they, too, must therefore get on the waiting list.

And then? Then *I* will be the de facto Resident Assistant! No one ever believes this but I was an actual RA at the University of South Florida. There, I was stationed on the first floor of an all girls' dorm. My charges included: all the girls that spoke English as a second language/were from other countries, all the aspiring (but mostly still closeted) lesbians, AND the Hall Mother (who supervised all of the RAs in the building). I came back from summer break with a modified mohawk and the parents of the incoming freshman had a collective conniption fit. It was AWESOME. And every morning, at dawn, I would sneak to the emergency fire door and use my special key to open it and let out all the boys that had slept over, including my own. (Turns out I wasn't as stealthy as I thought, and I did get a verbal dressing down during my annual evaluation.) 

Anyway, so I have the experience to run my floor, and I can't wait to start putting up holiday themed bulletin boards! We will also have drinking games in my room! (No, I don't drink, but I'm planning to start again on my 80th birthday.)

I will insist on having an apartment that faces the Eiffel Tower of Austin. Speaking of which, I know this is a super hard sell, but I swear the Wildflower Terrace is a next big step toward turning Mueller into the Paris of Central Texas. How's that? They have one of those enclosed courtyard thingies just like in gay Paree! The apartment complex is four buildings that, bird's eye vies, create a square with a hole down the center. And if they ever let me back up to the top of the tower, I'll just take a picture to show you what I mean.

Meanwhile, by applause, how many of you aging Elvis Costello fans are ready to join me on the waiting list? Pump it, up, people. It's almost our turn to get AARP cards!!