Thursday, October 20, 2011

Announcing the First Annual Throw Away Your Crappy, Ill-Fitting, or Otherwise Annoying Underpants Day!

This male model hearts underpants that fit right!
Well I have been meaning to start this holiday for a long time now and at long last, here we are:
The First Annual Throw Away Your Crappy, Ill-Fitting, or Otherwise Annoying Underpants Day! 
I'm talking about all kinds of annoying underpants. Maybe you bought some yesterday and they fit terribly and you know, you can't return even slightly used underpants. So what? You're going to stuff them in a drawer because you "don't want to waste them"? Really? Don't be stupid.


And the old underpants, the ratty, hole-riddled, skid-marked all to hell underpants? Don't even try sneaking those into the bag you're planning to haul over to the thrift store because THAT IS GROSS. Get RID of them. Got thongs? Well guess what? YOU SHOULDN'T. Those must go. Now.

Come on everybody. I mean it! Chop chop. Put down the fucking Internet for five minutes for god's sake already and GO CLEAN OUT YOUR UNDERPANTS DRAWER RIGHT NOW! 

For you environmentally conscious hippie freaks, it's possible that 100% cotton underpants can be tossed in your compost bin, but I'm not totally sure about that so don't hold me to it. For those of you who think old underpants are great for hanging onto for dusting purposes-- you're more wrong than the thong hoarders. And for the loser whose car alarm is going off AGAIN RIGHT NOW AS I TRY TO START THE BEST NEW HOLIDAYS OF ALL TIME-- take note: That's the 80th time this week your fucking car alarm went off and if you don't get it fixed I'm going to come over there and fix it for you. And I will be using my old underpants to help me with the job. So just stop it, now, if you know what's good for you.

Happy Throw Away Your Crappy, Ill-Fitting, or Otherwise Annoying Underpants Day, People! 

Pass it On!


Judith van Praag said...

Right on Spike! You tell it as it is. I swear, the other day I lost my undies in the park. Luckily I was wearing jogging pants, but at the end of the walk I knew my panties were down, down, down, held up only by the crotch of my sweats.
Your are right: Out with the old, in with the new! Proud to mention my discarded unmentionables here!

Holly said...

I just had this holiday at my house a couple weeks ago! It was truly liberating. No more sifting through the ones that wedge or pinch. Nuttin' but comfy undies at my house. Oh, and I'll second the objection to using cast-off underpants for cleaning. I love the environment too, but gimme a break, nobody wants to see you washing your windows with a gnarly pair of tightie-whities.