Monday, March 19, 2012

Come See My New Show: I Was Raped by Mike Daisey!

What can I say? I'm a rapist!

Exciting news! Like Mike Daisey, I, too, am a monologist. (Aside: I'm also a journalist, but for my new show, I assure you that I will not be acting as a journalist because unlike some dickwads, I actually know the difference, and when which form is appropriate). For my show, I will be using my sublime storytelling skills to reveal to you, in breathtaking, horrifying, graphic fashion about the time Mike Daisey raped me. Multiple times. 
I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, "But, Spike, Mike Daisey didn't actually rape you. If you claim that he raped you, not only are you lying, and hurting his reputation, but you are also doing a grave injustice to actual rape victims!"

To which I reply, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! I'm a STORYTELLER. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. What? You never heard of poetic license? 

Look, people, don't be so fucking old school. Don't give me that truth will out bullshit. I don't want to hear it. Because if my work brings to light the horrors of rape, WHO CARES if Mike Daisey didn't actually rape me? I know my piece will be so great and so powerful that it will potentially lead to the end of rape altogether. How the hell can you argue with that?

I STAND BY MYSELF HERE! I will NOT back down. And the more you try to get me to back down or apologize for spreading false rumors, THE MORE I WILL STAND BY MYSELF, do you HEAR me you IDIOTS!

I am IMPORTANT! I do not need FACTS! I have heard rumors and innuendo about rape, and this is more than enough information than I need to bring to light what it really feels like to be raped.

For those of you who continue to support Mike Daisey's right to tell his story about all the things that he didn't actually see in China, and to point out that he nonetheless is doing a great thing, I am willing to give you a SPECIAL DISCOUNT on tickets. So be sure to use the promotion code: DUMBSHIT when you order tickets.

The rest of you-- sorry, full price.

And for the record-- I would like to say once more that I feel utterly justified in putting on my show
I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY! because even if he didn't actually physically assault me, technically rape is defined as a type of violation, and surely we can all agree that Mike Daisey is the ultimate violator?

See you at the show!

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