Update: I STILL Need Your Help! Vote for Your Favorite Prop for My New Show: I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY!

This week, as some of you know, I've spent a lot of time (some would say entirely too much time) considering the whole Mike Daisey thing. I decided a show was in order, and I even came up with a title: I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY! Well, folks, the response has been overwhelming! The show is sold out well into 2013. But I have a problem. The truth is (and by truth, I mean the actual truth, as opposed to the pretend truth) that I have yet to write the show. 

FUCK!

As I mentioned yesterday, I feel like, before I can proceed with the writing, I really need to get my props squared away. In particular, I need to select just the right drinking vessel to set on my desk. As we know, even the most stripped down sets convey a certain message, a sort of je na sais quoi if you will. Proper props might seem irrelevant at first glance, but trust me, a seasoned monologist, they can pack a tremendous subconscious punch in your audience. The wrong glass could find them storming out of a performance, the way a bunch of folks stormed out of a Mike Daisey show. (I know, I know-- you're thinking, But Spike, those were right wing Christian nutjobs who walked out because of the whole "I fucked Paris Hilton" thing. Ah, but that's where you're wrong, people-- believe me, it was a subconscious revulsion to Daisey's overly simplistic glass that drove them away.)

The right glass, on the other hand, tells your audience something important. It relays a sense of who you are-- are you everyday folk just like them? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you slightly above them? Way above them? 

Now are you getting the picture? It is COMPLICATED.

This morning, I've been playing around with options. Below you'll find seven photos featuring an array of vessels. I ask you to please tear yourself away from using your iPhone to sign online petitions against FoxConn long enough to voice your opinion. Because your vote counts, people. And I cannot proceed to the all important writing of I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY unless and until I hear from you. Thanks in advance for your assistance on this pressing matter. 

Backstory: this is a handmade coffee mug I got at a local craft fair. I think if I go with this option it could convey to my audience that I support local, Made in America products. On the other hand, it might make me look like a dirty fucking hippie. Your thoughts? 

This stainless water bottle was, in fact, Made in China. However, the label insists that it was made ethically in China. So maybe if I go with this option, it will subtly scream: "I, Spike Gillespie, in purchasing this item, singlehandedly sent a loud message to the bastard Chinese government that I will only purchase ethically produced Chinese products, or at least products which, if not actually ethically made, come with a label to dupe me into thinking so, thus assuaging any momentary guilt I feel as I whip out my credit card." The potential drawback to this one? Well, if I use it, it could give the impression that I'm a yoga loser, or, worse, a LuLuLemon supporter. And we all know how I feel about LuLuLemon 

Note that this mug features a handle that looks like a lady's fishnetted leg! Also, note the serious look on my face. I'm going for the Study in Contrasts effect here, my facial expression saying, "Damn right I am a humorless feminist!" while the mug itself hints that I have a playful sense of humor about the objectification of women. What do you think? I worry that, consider the topic of the show-- I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY!-- it might get the audience thinking about how, if you dress a certain slutty way, you're just asking for it. 

I didn't save the label on this one, but I'm guessing it, too, was Made in China. On the other hand, it is a REUSABLE "disposable" cup. So there's the potential to give off a sense of irony. And, too, it could suggest that I Heart The Environment, because unlike other people who use throwaway cups, I know that this cup, when it eventually winds up in a landfill, might well be repurposed by the trolls living and scavenging at the dump.

Gilt-rimmed goblet! As noted yesterday, I'm pretty sure this would suggest that I'm part of the 1%, which would probably be off-putting to 99% of my audience. So I'm not going to use this one. But I wanted to show it to you. Isn't it so pretty? Too bad it reminds me of my last marriage-- it was a wedding gift-- and if you think Mike Daisey is a flaming narcissist, well, damn, you should meet my last ex-husband! 

A handleless teacup from Japan. It's pretty and delicate, just like me! And I think it says, "You know, there are LOTS of other places in Asia we can get stuff from."

And then there's this one-- my Ira Glass. What do you think? Too blatant? 

Please Help Me With My Show: I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY!

Think, Spike! Think! Think what kind of drinking glass will portray you in the best light to your audience!

Y'all, now that my new show, I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY,  is sold out for the foreseeable future,  I guess I'm actually going to have to write the damn thing. Fortunately, though I will portray myself as having actually been raped by Mike Daisey, I won't actually have been raped by Mike Daisey. (And oh-- meta of meta!-- I learned this fake reporting crap from the master himself!)

So far, all I have worked out is that I will sit at a table with a glass of water and a piece of paper. I think I will use a mason jar to hold my water, to give the set a folksy feel. Do you think that's okay? Or should I use a goblet? A sippy cup? Jesus, I don't know how these big shot performers do it-- coming up with that super authentic feel -- when there are untold choices out there. If I go with a cheery, brightly colored glass that was Made in China, I fear I will be called out in some monologue somewhere for not being sensitive to the working conditions in that country. If I go with something Austrian and handblown, then I might give off the wrong impression that I'm part of the 1%. Frankly, I'm sort of going fucking nuts deciding on this.

But I'm pretty sure I'll use regular old printer paper for my piece of paper, unless you think a legal pad would look more... uh... throwback and hipster? (Speaking of hipster, I've got this beard that's coming in which is just what happens to us pre-menopausal women. I fear that if I depilate I will give the message that I am a self-hating woman, afraid of the aging process, caving into the beauty myth. But if I keep it, it might look like I am mocking hipsters and/or the Amish and or Civil War re-enactors. So I probably need help with this choice, too.)

Meanwhile, as I continue to ponder all those technical decisions, there is the matter of CONTENT. I figure there are a couple of ways I can go with my description of Mike Daisey as Rapist. I could flat out make him into a monster, a total brute, not a shred of humanity in him, a narcissistic fuck who rampantly thunders through life concerned only for himself. But you know, that's already been done-- by Mike Daisey himself.

The other angle I'm working on-- and I know it's a stretch because, bear with me, even if it is far from the truth it might get to some GREATER TRUTH the way that some people lie and lie but do so, in their words, as a means of doing society a service-- well anyway, this other angle... I thought I might try to HUMANIZE Mike Daisey. Yes, yes, I understand how challenging this could be, given the antics of the real life Mike Daisey. And I realize the audience will find a sympathetic portrayal hard to buy, but think about the conflict it will create both in the narrative and in the hearts of the audience members if I pull it off! I could give him some backstory that sort of helps explain how he grew into a monster!

If I do go that route, I wonder if the following scenarios, provided I write them very carefully, could be accepted as truth by my audience (or if, at the very least, they would be willing to suspend their disbelief, the way Mike Daisey's own audience does). To wit:

1. I thought maybe I could give him a mangled hand! Or maybe two mangled hands! Probably just one mangled hand because if he has two mangled hands then even I would have a hard time believing that his victims couldn't easily escape him. I think if I do the mangled hand thing, it will really lend sympathy to his character. Currently, I'm considering proposing that he mangled his hand by dropping his iPad on it. Probably it would be better to have him mangling his hand by reaching into a Vitamix to rescue a fly that he notices is trapped on the top of smoothie ingredients, about to be sucked down into the vortex, toward the spinning blades. That would make him seem a lot more sensitive than an iPad accident, huh? Well, I guess there are all sorts of possibilities. So when you cast your vote for whether or not I should even bother with mangling his hand, if you vote yay, do let me know how you would like the hand-mangling accident to occur.

2. I want to work in an underage kid here. No, no, not as a direct victim of Mike Daisey. Even I'm not that big of an asshole, doing a show about a fake rape that involves a child. But I was thinking-- I could have Mike Daisey accost me and lock me in a room and have the room guarded by a gun-toting six-year-old. Or maybe I could talk about Mike Daisey's childhood and how his parents kept him locked in a room guarded by a gun-toting six-year-old? Or maybe I could have Mike Daisey, as he leaves me broken and crying on the floor, my hand totally mangled (this will be his signature move-- mangling his victims' hands to "see how YOU like it!") escape to a getaway car being driven by a gun-toting six-year-old. Again, I appreciate your assistance in helping me with this.

3. Finally (for now)... So, we all know that the real life Mike Daisey doesn't apologize, because such is the life of a narcissist, apologies are an ungraspable foreign concept to them. But as I have repeated ad nauseum, my goal is not to tell the actual truth, I want to tell the Big Truth, you know, the one built on lies. In which case I could actually allow Mike Daisey to apologize to me after the rape and hand mangling. Do you think the audience would buy this? Me, in my best Mike Daisey voice, quoting him saying, "I'm sorry, Spike! I'm so so so sorry! I didn't mean to do this to you, and the hand mangling has got to stop! But I am a sick man. A very sick man. I can't stop myself! You. Have. Got. To. HELP ME! HELP ME SPIKE!!! PLEASE!!!" (And then, of course, I could have him breaking down in sobs.)

I eagerly await your feedback. Show starts soon so I gotta hustle and get it written. Please send me your thoughts asap.
Thanks!
Spike

Come See My New Show: I Was Raped by Mike Daisey!

What can I say? I'm a rapist!

Exciting news! Like Mike Daisey, I, too, am a monologist. (Aside: I'm also a journalist, but for my new show, I assure you that I will not be acting as a journalist because unlike some dickwads, I actually know the difference, and when which form is appropriate). For my show, I will be using my sublime storytelling skills to reveal to you, in breathtaking, horrifying, graphic fashion about the time Mike Daisey raped me. Multiple times. 

I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, "But, Spike, Mike Daisey didn't actually rape you. If you claim that he raped you, not only are you lying, and hurting his reputation, but you are also doing a grave injustice to actual rape victims!"


To which I reply, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! I'm a STORYTELLER. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. What? You never heard of poetic license? 

Look, people, don't be so fucking old school. Don't give me that truth will out bullshit. I don't want to hear it. Because if my work brings to light the horrors of rape, WHO CARES if Mike Daisey didn't actually rape me? I know my piece will be so great and so powerful that it will potentially lead to the end of rape altogether. How the hell can you argue with that?

I STAND BY MYSELF HERE! I will NOT back down. And the more you try to get me to back down or apologize for spreading false rumors, THE MORE I WILL STAND BY MYSELF, do you HEAR me you IDIOTS!

I am IMPORTANT! I do not need FACTS! I have heard rumors and innuendo about rape, and this is more than enough information than I need to bring to light what it really feels like to be raped.

For those of you who continue to support Mike Daisey's right to tell his story about all the things that he didn't actually see in China, and to point out that he nonetheless is doing a great thing, I am willing to give you a SPECIAL DISCOUNT on tickets. So be sure to use the promotion code: DUMBSHIT when you order tickets.

The rest of you-- sorry, full price.

And for the record-- I would like to say once more that I feel utterly justified in putting on my show
I WAS RAPED BY MIKE DAISEY! because even if he didn't actually physically assault me, technically rape is defined as a type of violation, and surely we can all agree that Mike Daisey is the ultimate violator?

See you at the show!

Let's Have a Group Hug for Ira Glass!

                                                                                 +

Hey Y'all,

After listening to this morning's broadcast of This American Life, I feel sad for poor Ira, who got duped by Mike Daisey. If you missed the show, you can listen to the podcast here. The short version is this-- ala Oprah and James Frey (who, ironically, Mike Daisey did a piece about), Ira got duped into believing a mostly fabricated story created by Daisey, and presented as truth, about the working conditions of the Chinese factory workers who assemble iProducts.

There are so many sad and stupid parts to this story. For example-- conditions for workers in factories DO suck, which has been established by reputable sources. So Daisey didn't really need to lie now, did he? But in the tradition of a long line of narcissistic fucks who put their own popularity ahead of the facts (I'm talking to you Jason Blair, James Frey, Stephen Glass and the whole lot of you assholes), Daisey was far more concerned with gaining accolades (and before he was found to be fraudulent, he got PLENTY-- the original episode of TAL on which he appeared was the most downloaded TAL podcast EVER), than presenting the truth.

What's Worse? When he was found out, and then brought on the show to explain himself, did he back down? Did he apologize? NO, NO, NO. In a sort of doublespeak of a level not witnessed since the Bush administration, he babbled incomprehensibly. He also posted a note at his blog-- where we are not allowed to comment (of course not) standing by himself.

Hey, Mike? Maybe you need to dump that water on your pants cause THEY'RE ON FIRE, dude.

Here's a kooky aside-- I actually had an email exchange with Mike awhile back. He was coming to Austin to host the Moth at the Paramount. I had been invited to perform in that show, but backed out when the dumbshit producer kept trying to push me into places I didn't want to go, trying to get me to shape my story with details she was inserting that weren't true to the story. Do we see a theme here? Mike was nice enough in our exchange, and I thanked him and told him to give me a holler next time he's in town, and I offered to promote his one man show. I AM OFFICIALLY RESCINDING THAT INVITATION MIKE. Do NOT come to Austin. Leave us ALONE.

Here's another kooky aside-- I have also had email exchanges with Ira, since I have been trying for about eight years to get on the show. Ira has always been super nice and super real.

So while, yes, TAL could have and should have done a better job of fact checking, the real problem is not TAL, it's Mike Daisey. I am feeling very bad for Ira right now. But I am also feeling the love for him. Because unlike Mike Daisey, Ira came out of the gates this morning owning up to TAL's responsibility in presenting this story, he apologized profusely, and he did so multiple times. He exhibited grace under pressure and so, though he can't turn back time and unrun the story, he did not run and hide.

It's okay, Ira, we all make mistakes. You still KICK ASS!

For this, I commend him and give him a Kick Ass Award. Thank you, Ira!

I invite all of you to post your Ira support here. I'll be sure to send him your messages.